Фотоюмор

From the Analagous Files
Nov 9, 2012 (humor, or is it?)--Time to do some answers to emails I've received this week:

"I've just returned my fourth Toyota Camry because the car keeps getting dirty. After a few days of driving around on unpaved roads, the car seems to be coated in dirt. The windshield washer only removes some of it, and not even all of it from the glass I need to look out. Don't the car makers test their products before shipping them? Signed Filthy in Iowa"

Dear Filthy: Assuming you want to use your product for its intended purpose, you need to learn to maintain it. Yes, I know the owners manual says "paint may be damaged by automated wash facilities" and other similar warnings, but the reality is that you've bought a product intended to be used, and use has consequences. Regular maintanence is necessary, and it's up to you to see that it's done.

"I've just returned my third Honda Civic because the car always pulls to the left. When I let my hands off the wheel, the car always go left. Don't the car makers test their products before shipping them? Signed Crossing the Line in Nevada"

Dear Crossing: Certainly seems like a design defect. While some front wheel designs will tend to steer under extreme torque (acceleration), good designs and good QA mitigates or corrects that. Still, I have a couple of points to make. Even a data sample of two ought to tell you everything you need to know. If two are bad, all are likely bad. Unless you're known to have terrible luck ;~). Three bad and even luck probably has nothing to do with it, as we're well out in the tail, statistically speaking. Thus, one would have to assume that the problem you relate is implicit in the product. In such cases you don't have any great choices. The fact that you keep trying to buy this vehicle seems to indicate that you want it really, really badly. At some point you have to come to a reality: if you really want it you'll have to figure out how to live with its idiosyncracies. If you can't do that, you don't really want it ;~).

"I bought my Nissan Altima from a local shop that imports them from Japan directly and bypasses the US dealer chain. The transmission is skipping gears and the place that I bought it from now tells me there is no warranty and it'll cost US$500 to fix. I tried complaining to Nissan, but they just laughed at me. Signed Broken in North Carolina."

Dear Broken: You saved US$500 on the purchase price of your new auto, but are complaining about paying US$500 to repair it? Bargains that are too good to be true are just that: too good to be true. If you buy official product from an authorized dealer, you get official support. If you don't, you don't. It really is as simple as that. Now some people will take the risk implicit in that for a discount. That's called gambling. Gambling is not only legal in this country, but it seems to be the way we do everything now, including finance governments. But it's still gambling, and there are no sure bets.

"I really like the Toyota reliability, but I like the Subaru all wheel drive, and I really want the Ford Sync system for my next car. What should I do? Signed Confused in Michigan."

Dear Confused: Same as it ever was: you have to sort out your needs and priorities. What you buy has to meet all your needs, and should fulfill your highest priorities. You won't get everything in anything. By the time manufacturer two gets around to copying something that manufacturer one does (and they will), manufacturer three will have something new you think you want and the whole problem will just repeat itself. So let's look at your three specific points. If you drive a lot of miles and constantly, that Toyota reliability (should it be actually true ;~) sounds like its a near requirement versus a non-reliable brand, right? But if you're driving to work in blizzards all the time, perhaps the all wheel drive is a higher requirement. The sound system isn't fundamental to the function of the vehicle (transporation), and there are plenty of third-party after market add-ons that might fill that role should you really put a high priority on it. In other words, sort out your needs and priorities, then evaluate you options. Does Toyota have an all wheel vehicle that you can add an after market stereo to?

"What car should I buy? Signed Waiting for Your Answer in California"

Dear Waiting: I have no idea. Why would you think I would know? Just because I'm a car expert? While I know everything there is to know--okay, close to everything--about vehicles, one reason why there are so many vehicles out there is that they serve different purposes and have different personalities. Almost certainly you know more aobut what you need and what you want than I do from your question. Indeed, I know nothing about what you need and what you want from your question. Had you asked me something like "I love to drive fast, should I get a Jeep Wrangler or a Ferrari Testarossa?" I might have been able to supply an answer (that answer would probably be "move to Germany, buy a Porsche, and drive the Autobahn"). But from your question I'm not even sure you should buy a car.

For those of you who haven't had their coffee yet this morning, the four questions above are indeed disguised questions I've received (in multiples) this week: (1) Do all D600's get dirty sensors? (2) Why does every D800 I've tested have left focus issues? (3) Why won't Nikon repair my gray market camera? (4) Is there a product with Nikon's UI, Canon's QA, and Olympus's lenses? (5) What camera should I buy?

I'll leave it to you to figure out if my analagous answers translate to the camera questions ;~).

«Клятва Гиппократа для фотографа»

Я никогда не делал и впредь ни при каких обстоятельствах не сделаю фотографию обнаженной натуры, держащей в руках прозрачный сосуд.

Я также никогда не сделаю сам и не окажу в этом помощь другому, не поощрю словом, не похвалю и даже не буду обсуждать, даже не взгляну на фотографию яйца.

Я не буду фотографировать собаку, играющую с кошкой, и кошку, играющую с клубком ниток.

Не буду делать снимок винограда крупным планом так, чтобы ягоды выглядели размером с яблоко, и снимок яблока так, чтобы оно выглядело размером с арбуз.

Я не буду снимать кормящих матерей или старушек за вязанием в кресле-качалке и озаглавливать снимки «Закат жизни».

Я не буду делать фотографии симпатичных старых бродяг с безнадежно запутанными бакенбардами и блестящими носами.

Я не буду фотографировать девушек с Бали, несмотря на то что их бесстрашие перед камерой общеизвестно.

Я не буду делать фотографию обнаженной, которая в падающем сквозь венецианские жалюзи свете напоминает лежащего тигра.

Кроме того, я не буду фотографировать старые амбары Коннектикута (восхитительные текстуры дерева, выдержавшего шторм) или техасские кактусы, даже если там их называют «какти», или аборигена, карабкающегося на пальму, на Гаити.

Я не буду фотографировать бомжей из Бауэри, укрывшихся воскресным выпуском New York Times как одеялом, перед приклеенным на ограду постером с Марлен Дитрих.

Никогда я не сделаю фотографию толстушки на Кони Айленд «от живота», никогда больше.

Я никогда больше не сфотографирую гипсовый слепок с греческой статуи, или кочан капусты, разрубленный пополам, или листья салата с каплями росы.

Я никогда не сделаю снимок обнаженной на трамплине (даже вид сзади), или обнаженной, крутящей обруч, или обнаженной, обмазанной толстым слоем вазелина, чтобы дать ему название «Фарфор».

Я не стану называть фотографию маленького мальчика на фоне стены «Просто мальчик», а фотографию ребенка, обнимающего козленка, − «Два ребенка».

Я не буду фотографировать площадь Сан-Марко в Венеции сквозь решетку балкона Дворца дожей.

Я не буду фотографировать сцену родео, поместив камеру между задних ног волнующейся лошади.

И, в конце концов, если в силу обстоятельств я вынужден буду сфотографировать мексиканского ребенка в Мехико, я сгоню всех мух с его лица, прежде чем сделать снимок (несмотря на громыхание в небе над Мехико).

И я постараюсь никогда не фотографировать капризных детей.

Да и вообще, если мне удастся, я воздержусь от съемки любых кадров любого содержания, под каким бы то ни было предлогом.